You are NOT the father!
by but i'm a zombie
Summary: Emmett discovers that the babies he made for Rosalie's birthday might not really be his, so he seeks the help of an insane and powerful vampire whose talents include paternity tests.


"This," declared Maury, "is Emmett."

Emmett shifted on his rock uncomfortably. He'd been told Maury was very powerful and very insane, but he hadn't realised exactly _how_ insane the man would be. He'd actually seemed perfectly normal when Emmett was telling him about his problem, but now he was introducing Emmett to the empty mouth of the cave they were sitting in.

"Emmett," continued Maury, "hired a human woman named Hannah to have his baby as a surprise birthday present for his wife Rosalie who, as a vampire, is unable to have children of her own."

The sounds of boos and derisive laughter filled the air. "She ain't gonna want some human girl's baby!" declared a voice. Emmett looked around nervously, but he couldn't see anyone. Was Maury somehow producing those noises?

Once the sounds had quieted down Maury continued explaining Emmett's situation. "Hannah gave birth to a set of _beautiful _twins by Caesarian section." A picture of the babies appeared on the wall, and the voices of many unseen people went "_awwww_". "That's Wesley, and that's Amy," said Maury, pointing to each twin in turn. They really were beautiful. Emmett looked at them with mixed feelings. His son and daughter... or were they?

"Emmett turned Hannah into a vampire, and then she admitted something to him. She admitted that Emmett wasn't the only vampire man she'd slept with while she was human!" announced Maury. The invisible audience gasped. "Emmett might _not _be the father of these children!" More gasps, boos and laughter filled the air.

"Hannah is backstage right now!" Maury continued, gesturing at a small passage that led deeper into the cave, "Why don't you come on out and tell us about it, Hannah?"

Hannah walked out of the passage Maury had referred to as "backstage" and into the main part of the cave. She looked a lot like Rosalie, that was why Emmett had chosen her to bear his child, but her clothing was skimpy and unflattering and she wore far too much makeup to appear attractive.

The audience booed her and she glanced around the cave, startled. "What's going on?" she asked Emmett.

"Today we're going to find out who is the real father of your babies!" exclaimed Maury, "But first we need you to tell us about all the people it might be. Have a seat!"

"Well, OK," said Hannah as she sat down on the rock next to Emmett. Emmett wondered why she was so calm. As far as he could tell Maury had just _teleported _her to the back of his cave without warning her first, he would have thought that would freak most people out. Maybe mood control was among Maury's many creepy powers.

"I think I've narrowed it down to eight people, not counting Emmett," said Hannah, sounding as if having nine possible fathers for your half-vampire babies was completely normal. "It could be Randall, Garrett, Alistair, Aro..."

"NOT ARO!" interrupted Emmett in horror, "HE'LL EAT THEM! HE'LL EAT THE BABIES!"

"Oh, I will not," laughed Aro, wandering out from "backstage" with Renata, Felix, Demetri, Jane, and Alec right behind him. There were more boos but Aro ignored them. "Don't be so melodramatic, my dear Emmett! I wouldn't dream of hurting these precious children. The delightful things are far too small to contain a significant amount of sustenance!"

"He's going to eat them," insisted Emmett quietly. Judging by the invisible audience's reaction they seemed to completely agree.

"I won't let him eat them, Emmett," Maury reassured him, "I promise. Please continue, Hannah!"

Hannah did so while Aro and his entourage took seats on other rocks in the cave. "It could also be Alec, Stefan, Demetri or Jane."

The audience gasped.

"But Jane's a girl!" exclaimed Emmett.

"She's a girl _now_," laughed Felix, then screamed and fell off his rock as Jane used her power on him.

"It's true!" sang Aro gleefully, "Jane and Alec were once _identical _twins but my lovely Jane had always felt that she was truly meant to be a female so she became one. She does still have the equipment necessary to have impregnated dear Hannah, though!"

"_Master!_" wailed Jane, embarrassed but apparently unwilling to hurt Aro without his consent. Aro just smiled at her.

"...Moving on," said Maury, "Why don't you come out and join us Randall, Garrett, Alistair, and Stefan!"

They did so, as the audience cheered for some reason. Garrett was accompanied by Kate and Stefan was accompanied by Vladimir. Vladimir and Stefan sat awkwardly on rocks and glared at the Volturi. Alistair sat _behind _a rock, while Kate and Garrett strode up to Emmett.

"I can't believe you thought this would make Rosalie _happy_!" Kate hissed, and attempted to attack him only to be repelled by some kind of weird force field and thrown across the cave.

"No more fighting," scolded Maury, smiling in a way that was somehow both innocent and terrifying. "You wouldn't want to make me angry, now would you?"

Emmett strongly suspected he wouldn't like Maury when Maury was angry. Kate seemed to agree, since she stormed off with Garrett to sit as far away from Emmett as possible.

"So!" smiled Maury, clapping his hands, "I think it's time we heard from Rosalie!"

"No!" exclaimed Emmett, jumping up.

"She already knows, Emmett. Come on out, Rosalie!"

Rosalie came on out.

"I... I don't know what to say," she told Emmett, not looking at him. "I can't believe you would be so... so _stupid_. I wanted _my _babies, not some _whore's _babies!"

"I didn't know Hannah was a whore when I hired her to have sex with me!" defended Emmett.

Rosalie sighed and sat down, burying her face in her hands as the audience's laughter filled the cave. "I love you, Emmett, and if these babies are yours I will love them because they are yours." There were cheers from the audience. Rosalie continued, "But you really are the _stupidest _man I have ever met."

"You tell 'im, girl!" exclaimed one unseen person as the audience's cheers grew louder.

"I love you, Rosalie," said Emmett and hugged her.

"The results are in!" declared Maury, as a folder full of papers appeared in his hands. He pulled the first one out and looked at it.

"In the case of two week old Wesley, Emmett, you are NOT the father!"

"Oh, no!" said Emmett and Rosalie in unison.

"In the case of two week old Amy, Emmett, you ARE the father!"

"Wait, what?" said Emmett.

"How is _that _possible?" asked Rosalie.

"It's happened on this show before!" exclaimed Maury gleefully, "Fraternal twins can have two different fathers! It's incredibly rare but_ it's happened on this show before_!"

"What sho..." started Randall, only to be struck by lightning and killed.

"NO MORE TALKING," proclaimed Maury. Everyone sat in terrified silence as Maury resumed reading out the results.

"In the case of two week old Amy, Randall, you were NOT the father!"

"In the case of two week old Wesley, Randall, you were NOT the father!"

"In the case of two week old Amy, Garrett, you are NOT the father!"

"In the case of two week old Wesley, Garrett, you are NOT the father!"

Emmett considered pointing out that since they already knew _he_ was Amy's father there was no need to read out that everyone else was not her father, but decided he really did not want to risk incurring Maury's wrath. Especially now that he knew he really was a father and had a daughter who needed him. He hoped Wesley's father would not be someone horrible.

"In the case of two week old Amy, Alistair, you are NOT the father!"

"In the case of two week old Wesley, Alistair, you are NOT the father!"

Alistair got up and ran out of the cave. When Maury did not appear to notice or care, Kate and Garrett also left. Garrett paused to do a little victory dance just outside the cave before strolling away.

"In the case of two week old Amy, Aro, you are NOT the father!"

"In the case of two week old Wesley, Aro, you are NOT the father!"

Aro looked disappointed that the other delicious baby was not his either.

"In the case of two week old Amy, Alec, you are NOT the father!"

"In the case of two week old Wesley, Alec, you ARE the father!"

Alec sat there looking stunned and confused, like a human who had just been hit over the head with a dead cat.

Vladimir and Stefan looked at each other then got up and tried to walk out, only to be stopped by a giant marshmallow that appeared in front of them and blocked the mouth of the cave.

"I'm afraid I can't let you leave, Stefan," said Maury.

"But we know who both of the babies' fathers are, and neither of them is me," pointed out Stefan.

"But you haven't heard your test results yet," insisted Maury, "You really must stay until you hear your test results."

He didn't continue reading out the results until Stefan and Vladimir had reluctantly sat down again.

"In the case of two week old Amy, Demetri, you are NOT the father!"

"In the case of two week old Wesley, Demitri, you are NOT the father!"

"In the case of two week old Amy, Stefan, you are NOT the father!"

"In the case of two week old Wesley, Stefan, you are NOT the father!"

The marshmallow disappeared and Vladimir and Stefan left.

"In the case of two week old Amy, Jane, you are NOT the father!"

"In the case of two week old Wesley, Jane, you ARE the father!"

There were a few minutes of silence as everyone considered the results, then Alec asked tentatively "So... Jane and I are both Wesley's father?"

Maury beamed at him. "Yes! As identical twins you have identical DNA and are, genetically, _both _Wesley's father!"

"That's... nice," said Alec.

"It really is nice," said Jane, "Let's be good fathers, Alec."

"I will babysit!" offered Aro eagerly.

"No you won't," said Jane and Alec together.

"If you want to try to make your own kid, my sister might be interested in helping you," Hannah told Aro.

"Excellent," he muttered sinisterly while tenting his fingers like Mr Burns, then he put his arm around Hannah and they walked out to find her sister. Felix and Demetri followed, possibly because they also wanted to try to impregnate Hannah's sister.

Emmett and Rosalie were teleported home, and Amy appeared in Emmett's arms.

"Happy birthday, Rosalie," said Emmett, handing his daughter to his wife.

"Thanks, Emmett."


End file.
